One-eyed Jack

You may have heard it said that one-eyed jacks are wild. Well let me tell you something... they are. I'm the wildest five-day-old you'll ever come across. I mean business. Serious business. And that business is sleeping, eating, and pooping.

"Oh, come on," you may be saying. "Sleeping, eating, and pooping can hardly be called serious business." Well let me enlighten you, oh you of little faith. Sleeping, eating, and pooping are the fundamental elements of living. They are serious business. So I take them seriously. In fact, those are the only things I do. And the craziest part of it all is that I often do them with one eye closed and one eye open. That's because I'm wild.

I'm a wild one-eyed Jack.